Communication is a keystone value for maintaining integrity in our many relationships, whether peer, pal, parental or partner. If a breakdown of communication occurs, during a disagreement, for instance, it’s challenging to hear others or be heard ourselves. Of course, nonverbal body language is a key player, but another, less-considered personal characteristic also plays a role in communication: Our attachment styles.
Attachment styles form in early childhood based on interactions with primary caregivers. The four attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized) shape how we perceive safety and connection within relationships.
During moments of heightened emotion, your main attachment style may prevent you from truly hearing another’s intentions. It could also obscure your own intentions behind coping or defense mechanisms, such as denial or projection. Let’s take a look at examples of messages and how they might be misinterpreted.
What was said: “I need some space.”
| Attachment Style | What Was Heard |
| Secure | “They just need time; we’ll work this out.” |
| Anxious | “They’re pulling away because they don’t like/love me anymore.” |
| Avoidant | “They’re trying to control this situation. I need to protect my independence.” |
| Disorganized | “They’ll leave if I give space, but if I don’t give space, they’ll reject me for not respecting them.” |
What was said: “Are you listening to me?”
| Attachment Style | What Was Heard |
| Secure | “There’s a disconnect here and we need better communication.” |
| Anxious | “I’m failing them; they’re upset with me as a person.” |
| Avoidant | “They’re attacking me; I need to defend myself or withdraw.” |
| Disorganized | “I want to fix this but if I do, they’ll reject me.” |
What was said: “Can we let this go?”
| Attachment Style | What Was Heard |
| Secure | “This probably isn’t worth fighting over. Let’s find peace and move forward.” |
| Anxious | “My feelings don’t matter to them.” |
| Avoidant | “They’re trying to control my emotions; I need to shut down.” |
| Disorganized | “If I let this go, they’ll think I don’t care. If I push them, they’ll leave me.” |
Did any of those responses feel familiar? If so, you’re not alone. Everyone has a leading attachment style — and everyone must find ways to sort through automatic reactions.
Clearly, secure attachment styles are the healthiest for you and others. If you’ve noticed your attachment style closely resembles anxious, avoidant or disorganized attachment — but you want to become more secure — you have the power to change. Changing an attachment style involves building self-awareness, practicing emotional regulation and forming healthy, trusting relationships. Sometimes, therapy or intentional relational experiences support this self-work.
By understanding how attachment styles develop and actively working toward secure patterns, we can create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Sources:
“Understanding the Four Attachment Styles in a Relationship,” Utah State University Extension, extension.usu.edu, accessed Jan. 13, 2026.
“Adult Attachment Theory and Research: A Brief Overview,” R. Chris Fraley, University of Illinois Urbana‑Champaign, labs.psychology.illinois.edu, accessed Jan. 13, 2026.